Part 2: The Kalevala

 

Pictured are my copies of The Kalevala. An illustrated children's book and English translation. 

Most shaman cultures tell their stories orally. They are passed down from generation to generation. That is why it is impossible to get all the details right. As each version is passed on, the story changes or is embellished. The Kalevala is no different. 

In order to fully discuss The Kalevala I need to talk about Finnish history and politics. During the 1800s, Finland was experiencing famine and epidemics. At the time, Karelia was still a part of Finland. For centuries, Finns and Russians lived side by side in Karelia. Karelia was peaceful until the Winter War with Russia. The Continuation War followed after. Karelia was lost to the Soviet Union. Those who were Finnish citizens were forced to leave their homes and go back to Finland. Russian citizens were the only ones allowed to stay. Because of this Karelia is used to describe all of Finland in the Kalevala. 

The old Kalevala was a book of spells. Each line is called a runo. The old Kalevala was centered around a main character named Väinämöinen. Väinämöinen is a wizard and a bard. Every spell in sung by the hero. The old Kalevala talks about the hero and his exploits. It concludes with the creation of the world. 

Elias Lönnrot is credited as the creator of the New Kalevala. Mr. Lönnrot was born in Sammatti, Finland during the Swedish take over. He studied medicine at the University of Turku until the fire destroyed the college. He then had to move to Helsinki to finish his studies. In college, he was interested in Proto-Suomi. In 1831, he founded the Finnish Literature Society with a friend. Elias received funding by the Swedish government to create the first Finnish to Swedish dictionary. In his notes were poems and folklore attached to each Finnish word. 

Elias Lönnrot was the district doctor of Kaajaani. He was the sole doctor for 4,000+ people. Many of his patients were from small rural communities, farms or were exceedingly poor. The stories they told him while he attended to them inspired Lönnrot to collect folklore about his homeland. This technique is similar to how the Brothers Grimm helped bring hope to a broken Germany. Another example, is found in Snorri Sturlusson, the creator of the Prose Edda. Lönnrot would leave his doctor's office to collect these songs. He desired to go to Karelia. Lönnrot believed Karelia was the origin of these stories. In Karelia, he learned about Lemminkäinen and the tragedy of Kullvero. Lönnrot thought that the original Kalevala was too short. He felt that the Finnish people needed an epic to uplift their spirits. The Kalevala was Lönnrot's version of the Iliad. He decided to place the creation of the world first, Väinämöinen's adventures second, followed by Lemminkäinen and Kullvero's tragedy. The last portion is not important to me as a Pagan. It's about the arrival of Jesus Christ. Basically a Finnish baby Jesus is born and he embarrasses Väinämöinen. It makes no sense. You're telling me that a God got showed up a baby?! That's not realistic. Then Väinämöinen says peace out and leaves this earth. The ending sounds like a Finnish version of Quetzalcoatl. 

Every singer that Elias Lönnrot interviewed told a different variation of the stories he had heard. He collected them and chose the stories with the most similarities. When he asked the singers why they changed a detail; they would say, "This is what I remember my grandmother singing to me as a child or what came from my heart." Each singer takes The Kalevala very seriously. These stories were sung during house work, while working outside and important events. Finns are hardworking people. They do not like getting anything for free. As stated above, many patients were poor and would pay Lönnrot with a song. Singing for them is a labor of love. How Latino of them! Latinos are the same way. We would rather work until we're dead than ever accept a free hand out. Music to us is a way of showing our affection for one another. Because Elias was Christian just like Snorri Sturlusson, The Kalevala like the Prose Edda is written with a Christian lens. 

The Main Characters of the Kalevala are: 

• Ukko: the supreme Sky God 
• Ilmatar: daughter of Ukko. Or some sky God. 
• Väinämöinen: son of Ilmatar and a Sea God. 
• Joukahainen: Human
• Aino: Joukahainen's sister 
• Seppo Ilmarinen: God of smiths and Väinämöinen's best friend. 
• Louhi: Witch and Lady of Pohjola. She is as seen as the villain. Which is so typical of men. An independent woman who takes no shit! She must be evil. +Rolls eyes+ 
• Lemminkäinen: A demigod. He is the son of Lempi who was originally a trickster God then demoted to Satan by the Catholic and Lutheran church. 
• Kullervo:Ilmarinen's slave. 
• Marjatta: Finnish Virgin Mary 

I first found an illustrated copy of the Kalevala at Half-Price books when I lived in Illinois. Then when my partner and I were cleaning his Dad's house I found The Kalevala translated into English so I kept it. I just now finished reading The Kalevala. Since my first immersion was a kid's version I thought it would be wise to reread it. 

Inside of the Children's illustrated Kalevala

Below is my review: 

Like in Alien, The Kalevala is the story of a bunch of silly men who never listen to women. Then they have the audacity to blame.....a woman for their actions. I'm on team Aino and Lady of Pohjola. 

In the beginning... there was just the sky and the ocean. Ilmatar is lonely. She asks Daddy Ukko to help. He's busy. So she throws herself into the ocean. Bam! She's pregnant for 30 years! Yuck. I would be upset too, if I had to carry a man for thirty years in my womb. Screw that noise! Like all pregnant woman, Ilmatar changes position because she can't get comfortable. Then an eagle decides Ilmatar's knee is a great place to make a nest. She moves her knee, the eggs fall and transform into land.

Väinämöinen isn't that old. He's 30 when he's born. By the time he meets humans he's probably 35. Gods never age. Time is elongated. The world is already created. 

Joukahainen, a cocky human thinks he can defeat Väino and challenges him to a duel of songs. These songs are spells that can move mountains and create rivers. Just when Joukahainen is about to get his butt handed to him the wimp says, "Please don't kill me! I have a sister you can have!" Just like that. I'm sorry, but the feminist in me is fueled with fury. Women are not tools you can give away when you're in a tight pinch. Jouka comes home and tells his Mother and sister what happened. Can you imagine, minding your own business sewing or helping your Mother and all of sudden your older brother says, "By the way you're now engaged to a god that you've never met. Have a nice life!" You're only 15! Now imagine how old a god would be to a teenage girl. So- freaking- creepy. And instead of Mom scolding Joukahainen like she should; she thanks her dumb son for finding such a "great match" for her daughter. First of all, that's called pedophilia. Second of all, Aino had no say. So Aino decides that committing suicide via drowning would be better than living. Now my dear reader, you will understand Amorphis's "Drowned Maid." Aino goes to the lake, but just as she is about to kill herself, a group of mermaids stop her and transform her into a mermaid. Jouka goes to find Aino. He sees her clothes on the ground. Jouka assumes his sister drowned. So what does the idiot do? Decides to kill Väino. Because that worked out so well last time!  

Here is "Drowned Maid" by the band Amorphis. 

Väinämöinen throws himself into the sea to escape Joukahainen. He lands on the shores of Pohjola. Instead of leaving Väino to die, the Lady of Pohjola tells her men to pick him up and bring him to her home. She then tends to his wounds, feeds him and sends him back home with food and money. He decides he's lonely and still needs a wife. He asks his bestie, Seppo to make him a machine that will make the Lady of Pohjola give her daughters in marriage to him. Except, the plan does not work. Väino takes Seppo with him to Pohjola. Seppo Ilmarinen ends up falling in love with the eldest daughter. Now, there's two guys competing over the same girl. Seppo wins. Väino goes home to lick his proverbial wounds. 

The Lady of Pohjola helps Väinämöinen and Ilmarinen throughout the whole epic! How do they show their thanks? Be pests and awful guests. The Lady of Pohjola throws an epic wedding. She invites almost everyone except for the first incel, Lemminkäinen who gets le butthurt and decides to wedding crash. Because Lemminkäinen wanted to add murder along to kidnapping and forcing a woman to marry him. 

It only gets worse after that. The Lady of Pohjola's daughter is killed by Kullervo. Kullervo is Ilmarinen's slave. He was sold to Seppo by his uncle. Kullervo has thin skin and can't handle a joke. Kullervo runs away scared that Seppo will kill him. He then rapes a woman. He doesn't know that it's his own sister. He finds out his family didn't die. He is ashamed and kills himself. 

Seppo turns into an emo boy and makes a silver bride. Oh, look! Another Amorphis song. But, it's obviously not the same. Seppo and Väino decide that since they didn't get what they wanted they are going to steal the Sampo back. Yup, these ingrates think stealing is totally acceptable. They recruit Incel Lemminkäinen because on his first visit to Pohjola he was killed and sent to Tuonela. Thus making him stronger. This loser is a Momma's boy. He told his mother if his brush bleeds then he died. Here comes his Mommy to the rescue. She rakes his pieces and finds his soul. I imagine she used her spit to super glue her dumb-ass son together. 

You guessed it. Another Amorphis song. 

All three idiots go to Pohjola cause utter chaos and whine to Grandfather Ukko to help them.  

The Kalevala is just a novella for Finnish people. A Latino director needs to turn The Kalevala into a novella. They'll make millions. Just like Lemminkäinen's mother, Latino Mothers dote on their sons and neglect their daughters. The patriarchy, everybody! Gotta love it. Not! All the characters are extra as hell. There's kidnapping, rape, and people constantly throwing themselves in water. They'll just have to change the names to Mexican ones. Väinämöinen transforms into Vincente. Jouhkahainen converts into Jacinto. Aino is now Alma. Seppo becomes Sebastián Ignacio. Louhi shifts into Laurentina. Lemminkäinen por ser pendejo earns the name of Ludovico because he's just as dumb/useless as Ludovico Peluche from the Mexican show Los Peluches. I feel bad for Kullvero. His life sucks from the get go. Kullvero may keep his name because it sounds Spanish. Maria is too easy. Marjatta emerges as the Virgin de Guadalupe. 

Here is a clip of Los Peluches for those who aren't Mexican and did not grow up with this show. 

If you're Finnish and I got something wrong or you want to add something please feel free to comment below or contact me. 

                                                   Sources: 

Kalevala: Land of Heroes, Vol. 1 & 2 by Elias Lönnrot, Translated by William Forsell Kirby 

Kalevala Mythology: Expanded Edition by Juha Y. Pentikäinen translated & edited by Ritva Poom 

The Kalevala: Tales of Magic and Adventure by Kirsti Makinen