My Pagan Identity

It is so hard to put in words what my religious beliefs are because I don't see it as a religion. I just see Paganism as the way this world, universe, and cosmos functions.  Explaining my beliefs is like explaining how to breathe. I just do it. It's natural. And no amount of words will ever be enough to describe the feeling of being connected to the divine. 

So I'll start from the beginning. Perhaps I have always been a heathen or a changeling. See my previous post, Of Celtic Tribes and Changelings . I was baptized Catholic by my parents. I don't remember anything. But I do own some hilarious photos of me sobbing in a church because I didn't like being dunk in cold water. I mean what baby would like that? I'm an adult and I still wince when I enter a cold body of water or pool. For some strange reason my Mom loves to tell this story to everyone. She thinks this story is embarrassing for me. I think it's funny. "If you were wondering why my daughter is such a weirdo," is my Mom's version of "that boy ain't right".  The priest said I wailed like a "banshee". The baptism removed my sins. How could a baby have sins? But okay. 

Before the baptism 

Right after my baptism. I am not a happy baby. My Dad looks like he feels bad for me. 

Except baptism is an Astatru/Heathen/Old Scandinavian tradition. The Catholic priests that went to Scandinavian loved this practice so much they decided to include it. The joke is on you Mom! The Catholic church is just stealing yet another Pagan tradition. In Viking culture, they would wait until the baby was weened. Then they would throw a week party to celebrate. Family was the most important thing to Vikings and Latinos. My ancestors just really like to party. I'm the same way. Anyway, once the head of the family examined the child, the baby was presented to the tribe/village. The vitki (priest/priestess) would perform the Usa Vatni. The parents would present their baby to the vitki and the parents would tell the vitki what name they chose. The vitki would sprinkle water on their forehead or would simba them. Next, the vitki would hold up the baby for the whole village to see. Thus welcoming the baby as a new member of the community. 

As a child I had a vivid imagination. Partly, because of my love for reading and because I have always been a creative person. I remember after reading all these fairytales I started to tell my little sister my own versions. My six-year-old brain thought some of these stories were ridiculous and made no sense. Why would a witch want to eat children?! She lives in a candy house. So I told my sister that Hansel and Gretel ate the witch's home because they were hungry. And that wasn't very nice. So as punishment the witch made them build her a new home. Then she gave them gold because gold is useless to witches. So they built a house next to the witch and took care of themselves because their parents are neglectful jerks. The end. I wasn't a fan of Cinderella either. You're telling me a dude danced three nights with this pretty chick and couldn't find her. My dude you don't need a wife. You need better brains. I also heavily disliked Goldilocks and the three bears. First of all, why would bears eat porridge or sleep in human beds? Second of all, how rude is Goldilocks! You don't barge into someone's home and expect they won't be angry. Below is the version I told my sister. Goldilocks was wandering through the forest and because she had no self-control ate all her food. From the food coma she decided that she should look for a place to nap. She stumbled upon a hut. Goldilocks was clearly not the brightest crayon in the bunch, since she didn't understand how rude it is to take things that aren't yours. She stuck her fingers in each bowl of porridge. Gross! She then found the beds. Because she's a brat she slept in all of them. The bears came home and baby bear who does have manners told his parents, "there's a human sleeping in my bed!" The parents swiped their paws at Goldilocks. And the bedsheets became red with her blood. The end. The moral of the story is don't be rude. As one can see, I like spicing stories up just so I could make my sister gasp or laugh. And doctor's say children with autism have no emotions. Hah. My sister sure does. She's also terrifying when she's angry. My sister became the bear from Goldilocks. As a child, I didn't realize that all the animals included in these fairytales are symbols of spirit animals found in shamanism. 

My parents take me to the zoo. I love animals. At the age of eight, I have decided that wolves, dolphins, horses, and wild cats are my favorite. I keep reading books on these animals and I love reading stories about them. I keep asking my Mom for a cat or dog. She says no. I won't take care of it. Even though, both of my parents grew up on a farm. My Dad grew up with dogs. My Mom had a dog named El Carri and a cats. My uncle Toño had a rooster and a falcon for a pet. Both my parents love going for walks in nature. My family would always explore different forest preserves. I love hearing the birds singing. I love feeling the air in my hair. I love seeing the placid lake water. Every time an animal shows its face to me I see it as a blessing. I keep hearing laughter that is not mine. Or see bright orbs while I walk. I always greet every plant I see. I start to notice some blurry energy jumping from limb to limb. I am not scared. I am very interested. "Hello", I say as brave as I can be. "I know you can hear me! A bright light hits a tree branch. I see you! Are you a faery? If you are, I won't hurt you. Your secret is safe with me." 

Fast forward to becoming a teenager. I'm 13. I'm starting to understand how the world operates. I'm constantly pushing boundaries. I'd apologize to my Mom, but what kid doesn't do this. I will admit my brother and I were little monsters. On top of pushing our boundaries, we were also daring each other to do the dumbest and reckless things imaginable. "I dare you to eat that whole jalapeño", my brother said knowing I hate spicy food. "Well I dare you not to cry at the doctor's office from a shot," said a cranky little girl. My brother is 32-years-old and is still deathly afraid of needles. My brother jumped off the roof of our house on a dare. No wonder my Mother was always losing her voice from yelling at us.

 I don't remember what caused my Mother to punish me. She was in a good mood, so she didn't hit me. She grounded me in her room. When I was a kid I was introverted. I loved being sent to my room. All my books, stuffed animals, and music is there. I don't need anybody to be happy. I just need my things. So I was sent to my parent's room. I was so bored. My Mother has a collection of porcelain dolls that gave me the creeps. I hated how perfect they looked while their beady eyes stared into my soul. So I close the closet. I'm still scared and need to distract myself. The only book to read is The Holy Bible. I did just that. If you want a book full of misogyny, violence and sex go read the Old Testament. That whole entire section is absolutely evil. You want me to believe that women were made from Adam's rib. If women have babies, then shouldn't men come from women? How could Adam and Eve's sons have a relationship? With who? Logically, there had to be humans before Adam and Eve. Yet their sins are now ours? Excuse me?! I know I'm only 13. But none of this makes any sense. And aren't Abraham and Sarah siblings? That counts as incest to me. Yet I'm going to go to hell because of the dumb actions of someone who supposedly was alive before me. I don't think so. The New Testament isn't any better. I read mythology from all over the world as a child. Mary becomes pregnant from a ray of light. "Hey I heard this story before", I said to myself. "Is Jesus like a Jewish Perseus? Without a cool flying horse." Then when I finished the bible I thought it was so unfair what happened to Jesus. That did not  make me want to worship the Christian God. It made me angry. All Jesus wanted, was to make this unjust world fair. All Jesus did was love people, share his food with the poor, make children laugh, tell people off when they were being mean. And what happens to Jesus? He is crucified to satisfy an arrogant ruler's ego. As Pops from Regular Show would say, "Bad show!" I was ashamed. How could my parents believe in this nonsense. 

The Bible and God are law. "No wonder this world sucks", I said to myself. I once made my Mom very angry because I told her I was looking for a new religion to follow. I could not believe in a God that allowed babies to be killed on his command, Jesus to be murdered, and for women to be mistreated. She asked me why I was disillusioned. I told her my CCD teacher says, "Animals don't have souls." But I think she's a liar. Doesn't the bible say that thou shalt not lie? Animals do have souls.  They're innocent and pure. Then I tell my Mother, "I'm sorry Ma, but I cannot believe in a God that sends every organism to hell just for existing." 

I needed answers. So I started to learn about world religions, but nothing spoke to me. I asked the librarian who knew me by my name because I've been coming to this library since I was a toddler. "This is going to sound dumb, but are there any religions that worship nature?" I said to her sheepishly." "Kathy, what I have I told you. No question is dumb, said the librarian. " "Yes. We have a couple books on Wicca. Maybe that is what you're looking for. Once your done with those books, we can do an interlibrary loan from the Schaumburg library," the librarian said to me. I devoured every book on Wicca. For a couple years, I felt whole. I am a witch! That's why I always hated when witches were evil in fairytales. I was so proud of myself for this discovery. I went to the mall with my friends. I walked into Spencers and bought the first pentacle I liked. It was made out of pewter with symbols I did not know and blue crystals. It was a rookie mistake because I never knew what the symbols meant. Later, I found out they were just "occult" symbols. Squiggles really. I started to build an altar on my dresser that was just a massive cherry candle, incense, and a couple rocks I thought were cool from my walks. I started learning about herbology and trees. I love trees, but they don't love me. I have bad allergies to pollen and ragweed. I identified all the trees in my backyard and front yard. I put a bench under a tree with my Dad that I found in the trash so I could read when the weather was nice. I made a tire swing with my Dad. I wanted to decorate the tree as a way to show my thanks. I started to make a little garden for myself. It didn't last long because all the fertile soil is by the entrance of my parent's backyard. And the soil by the tree was rock hard. The person before us had a pool and there was a circle sidewalk. So I decided that is where I would do my rituals. I owe a debt of gratitude to Scott Cunningham for writing numerous books in his short span of life. He helped so many baby Pagans find themselves like me. 

When I was 19 or 20 I enrolled in "witch school" at the Moon Dragon in Westmont. It was a year course. The owners taught me how to ground myself, how to work with nature and not against, different pagan paths, spirit animals, different types of divination, guided meditations, and self-control. Magic should never be done out of malice, anger, or spite. Witchcraft should only be done to help people. Healing oneself is fine. But one should never do magic for their own personal gain. Magic always comes with a price so one should be ready to pay up front for it. Defensive magic should only be done when your life or someone's else's is in danger. Because of this class I was exploring other paths. I didn't feel good anymore about calling myself Wiccan. I never believed in the Lord or the Lady. I found high magick to be stuffy as if dungeons and dragons was no longer fun. I still do believe in the power of the elements and spirit. I'll still cast a circle, call the elements, but other than that my rituals are tailored to me or the people in the circle. 

My beliefs have changed over time, but not my deities. First and foremost I believe that science is just magic explained. Having electricity would have been considered witchcraft. Same with every modern innovation we enjoy in our lives. Secondly, I know Pagans are huge fans of signs. But sometimes a bird is just a bird. There is no message. Just enjoy your life. Stop looking for meaning where there isn't any. I truly believe in karma. There's no point in being petty or plotting revenge because I know for certain the people who make your life hard will eventually pay for it. Just live your life and be happy. I spent a big part of my life being bitter and angry. I gained nothing in those years because I didn't take responsibility for myself. Stop blaming others for why your life sucks. Stop giving your power away. Make amends. I believe my deities were just humans. They did incredible things. They saved people. They cross-dressed or were women because back then people didn't care about gender or sex like they do now.  And eventually their followers or people began to tell stories about them. Thus these humans became gods by becoming immortalized in stories. That's all mythology and folklore is to me. Stories of great deeds or life lessons. It makes me sick to think of this. But eventually there will be a Bezos or Musk fanboy who will try to make their "role model" into a god. I hope I'm wrong. But that's all it takes to become a god. Because all humans are gods. We have the ability to help or hurt people. I choose to help. And in a way my gods are just super powered ghosts. It sounds funny when I type it out that way. 

But Odin himself has told me he was never perfect. That's the whole reason he goes to Helheim to speak with the dead witch. Even the Allfather cannot control the future or death. That is why the Norns and my sister Hel are the real ones with power. That said I do not believe in fate. I believe that humans can learn from their circumstances and change their fate. Likewise, all humans die. We are not immortal and I'm glad. Living forever sounds awful. Only narcissists are afraid of death. One of the psychic gifts that Mami Kata (my maternal grandmother) gave me was her mediumship. I can speak, hear, feel, and smell the dead. When I was younger I used to have spasms or I would start convulsing. Especially as it got closer to Samhain (Halloween). It took me years to control it. I used to be overwhelmed when I would walk or drive by a cemetery. How do I know this is real? Because I always hear my own voice in my head. But when I touch an item or go somewhere I'll hear the voice of a person I've never met or heard in my life. Some times I'll hear foreign languages that I don't speak. Or they'll ask me to tell their loved one a message. I then apologize to them, because I cannot help them. I am not Jennifer Love Hewitt from the show, Ghost Whisper. I can't just rock up to a total stranger and tell them, "hey your dead father sent me". They wouldn't believe me or would call the cops on me. 

 

Here is a clip of the show Ghost Whisper 

I am able to see auras. This is what made me realize that all living organism have a soul. That makes perfect sense, even if I could not see auras. Because to me an aura is just energy. This the first law of thermodynamics. "Energy can be changed from one form to another, but it cannot be created or destroyed."  Death is just a change in form. This may be science. But before this law was discovered it was just called animism. 

If you read this far congratulations! You're awesome. Go treat yourself. The second part will be about my deities.