A week ago I saw an image shared on a polyamorous Instagram page. I related to this image so much I decided to write a blog entry about it.
Polyamory means many loves. For me, it means that it is natural to have romantic feelings for more than one person. Perhaps in the next entry I'll write my reasons why I am polyamorous, but for now it's not important. Mostly because then this entry would be 10+ pages long. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Ryan and I were monogamous for three years. Like all great relationships, we tell each other everything. Even if it'll make the other person angry. I'd rather figure out my mood or tell someone how I feel instead of pretending everything is fine. We both confessed to each other that we both had crushes on multiple people, but we still wanted to be together. We still believe in our relationship. We just moved in together. We wanted to see how much deeper our relationship would become if we dated other people. We both wrote out rules that we would follow. We would tell each other how our dates went if asked. Permission was granted. Ryan and I were scared, but also excited.
Freedom is a key factor for both of us. Ryan and I both grew up having strict and demanding Mothers. Our Mothers saw us as an extension of themselves. If we made a mistake then it would reflect badly on them. Secondly, both of our Mothers did not understand what body autonomy was. They made all our decisions for us. I can't speak further for Ryan, so I'll speak for myself. While my Mother taught me to be independent, she was extremely conservative and traditional. She taught me how to cook and how to be the "perfect wife". Sex was never discussed. My Mother married the first man she dated and had sex with. It was my Dad. That is, how traditional she is. In my eyes my Mother saw me as a "puta" or whore. I was not allowed to wear a skirt or dress without tights on. And gods forbid if I spread my legs just a little bit. If I'm "spreading" it's because my thighs are sore and red from rubbing up against each other. It's not easy being thiccck. As a teenager, freedom manifested as sexual exploration and rebellion. As an adult, I knew I was bisexual and genderqueer. I've always felt like an alien. Both female and male. And sometimes neither. Now I understand my identity as genderfluid or nonbinary.
Due to my parents' toxic marriage I did not want to date. Let alone get married. Marriage terrified the absolute shit out of me. Being stuck with one person for the rest of your life?! It made me panic. It made my chest hurt. What happens when someone becomes bored? Or if your needs aren't being met? Or if that person is violent? Seeing my parents fight daily made me realize that I had to pick the right person so I did not become them. I decided to end the cycle. Thus, my fear of codependency. Not the healthiest notion, I am aware. I am in therapy for many reasons. This is just another one. Freedom became the goal. Clingy people became my nemeses. Partners who constantly needed my attention wore me out. Little by little the thought of being stuck with one person was asinine. Then I was cheated on. The cheater kept accusing me of cheating for innocently flirting with someone else when he was the actual cheater. What was the point of being with one person if they were going to betray my trust anyway? I would rather have that person break up with me or ask for permission. That was my second relationship. That person cheating f-ed me up so much that I didn't seriously date until I met Ryan. It was just one string of flings after another. I could not handle being tied down.
It wasn't until I met Ryan that I realized that monogamy isn't bad when the other person gives you space, communicates, and is dependable. Ryan killed my fear of commitment and dependence with his actions. I'm neurodivergent, as I've stated a million times at this point. Reverse psychology always works with me. By always giving me space and an exit I felt at ease. I felt safe. I felt loved. Love is the only thing that can cure a severely chronically depressed, suicidal, abused person like myself. Ryan and I started to heal. I learned what trust, kindness, faith, and stability is. We both were proud of how much we have changed.
So proud, that we became those annoying people who won't shut up about the new thing that has changed their life. We both told all our friends about us being polyamorous. I made posts about it all the time. I thought we would get support since the Chicago metal scene is one big incestuous family. Literally everyone has dated or slept with each other. How naïve were we?! A person I looked up to as a big sister told me that I was making a huge mistake. Let's call her T. T said, "What if Ryan dumps you for someone else? What if he gives you STD's? What if you don't like the person Ryan's dating? I should just get married and have a kid like she did. T said I was being stupid. She could not believe that Ryan put me up to it. I said to T, "Actually it was my idea to be open or polyamorous." Then she told me she could not believe it. Why would I want to put myself through that? I am a sick person. I needed psychological help. That comment really hurt my feelings. How could a change that had made our relationship better cause so much drama? I thought okay, it'll pass. But it didn't. Eventually, I finally got sick of her insulting my judgement and life choices I cut her out from my life. T didn't like that and resorted to telling everyone in the Chicago metal scene confidential info or spreading lies about me. It was so bad that people doxed me. It was wrong of me to say that. I now realize she baited me so I could get shitcanned.
When I'd go to the bathroom or Ryan would go get drinks our friends would ask multiple times what we really thought about being polyamorous. I was called a "slut" and a " whore". Ryan was called a "cuck" and other insults. How could the people we call friends do this to us?! I wish they had the balls to address this issue with us. Then people started asking me for sexual favors knowing I was not attracted to them or ruining our friendship. The belief that because I am polyamorous I must have sex with anybody still makes me want to crowdkill people. Then another fallout occurred when person N didn't understand the difference between polyamory and polygamy. N called us perverts, sick, and said we'd fuck whole families if we could. All because I said in the past a man or a woman would marry their spouses' younger sibling if their spouse died. See my ancestor Catherine of Aragon. She married Harry the 8th's older brother, Arthur. Then 10 months into the marriage King Arthur died. Henry married Catherine. Ryan and I aren't marrying anyone. We just gave each other permission to date others. That's all. It's a far cry from degeneracy.
Eight years I lived in Chicago. For eight years, I was criticized and treated like the leper of the metal community. That's how I learned that metalheads are hypocrites. Many of them were partnered or married, but were cheating on their partners. Everyone knew, and that was okay. But Ryan and I having more than one boyfriend or girlfriend was not acceptable! The fact that we never cheated or lied made us seem like we were too good for everyone. Guess what?! We are. You're a p.o.s if you cheat. Especially because all you have to do is ask permission. If that person says no, and you still want to pursue being polyamorous then choices will have to be made. That's reality. What I find even more ironic is that metalheads constantly say things like," Metal is supposed to make people uncomfortable, man!" Meanwhile everyone is telling me that Ryan and I are impure. We are not upholding family values. That's the whole point! That's why I like metal and punk. It's not conventional and neither am I. When did music scenes become represented by people like my Mother?
Every time I would talk to my friends about an argument or an issue I was having with my partners they'd say what the Instagram photo says. It's because you have too many partners. Or, "if you and Ryan were still monogamous this wouldn't be happening." Especially when I stupidly had a crush on a friend which resulted in him stalking me. And no one believed me. I came clean to him because I don't like having regret. Looking back, I wish I didn't tell him. I wish I kept it to myself. I wish I ignored him. I wish I wasn't so desperate to have more friends who liked sci-fi and Finnish death metal. I have so many regrets. Because my actions caused even more creepy dudes to stalk me. I lost even more friends because of this incident. Everyone basically called me a liar and an attention seeker. Meanwhile only Ryan knew what was going on. Other comments include:
- "Hey at least you're never lonely."
- "I could never do that!"
- "What if you get pregnant?! How will you know who the Father is?"
- "That sounds too messy."
- "I can't even get one girlfriend, let alone two or three."
- "You're being selfish. One person should be enough."
- Why do you need more than one person?"
- "If you want to date other people than you don't really love Ryan."
- "What if you get married?"
- That's too much work."
- "That sounds dramatic."
No comments:
Post a Comment