When I was younger I had no idea what I wanted my career to be. I was too busy being in survival mode to care. But not having a path led me to try many things.
When I was a kid I wanted to be an actor. Mostly because my Mom always gaslit me and called me a clown in Spanish or said I was being dramatic. In middle school, I tried out for the main role of Into the Woods. I discovered that while I loved performing, I also had stage fright. I bombed my audition. I had no problem singing in choir or playing in band. But as soon as the spotlight is on me, I freeze up. I only had a couple lines and I still couldn't remember them. In high school, I was actually given a main character role. I asked my drama teacher to give it to someone else because I was scared I would freeze up again. I let my fear of perfection get in the way. In reality, it was probably just my undiagnosed adhd. My acting career was over before it started.
I also thought about becoming an English teacher. Then in high school I changed my mind because I saw how rude and disrespectful my classmates were to my teachers. If the teacher was a jerk, I would understand why my classmates would rebel. But, my teachers were all kind and understanding. Plus, I would be required to teach what the school demanded of me. I wanted to teach fantasy and science-fiction. There are more fun ways to teach about alliteration and symbolism than forcing a kid to read Shakespeare. I personally loved reading Shakespeare, but also I had an advanced reading level and actually understood the material. Let's not forget I have a potty mouth like my Mother. It's why I prefer to swear in Finnish. No one knows what I am saying. I can't yell at a student to not swear. That would be hypocritical of me.
The more I learned about photography, the more interested in this career I became. I wanted to become a photojournalist and travel the world. My idealism was that I if went to a school in the East Coast I could be an intern for a metal magazine. I did not consider that my college fund would be gone. So, I had to go to College of DuPage. I took all the prerequisites that would transfer over to a four-year-university. The second year I took journalism classes. My spring semester I worked for the College of DuPage newspaper as the Photo Editor. I remember all of us pulling all-nighters almost every week. I bonded with my co-workers. I am still friends with some of them. Unfortunately, I became burnt out. I knew I did not want to work for a newspaper. I have insomnia already so I need my sleep. Without sleep or food neurodivergent people becomes walking terrors. We get very hangry and violent. So I changed my career to work for a magazine. If you've ever seen the movie, "The Devil Wears Prada" I wanted the job that Anne Hathaway had.
I chose writing and photography because I knew that I wanted a job where I could be creative, but also I wanted to make a difference in the world. I wanted to inform my readers about the injustices in the world. I wanted to open people's perspectives with my photography. I had such a naive view of the world.
Since I was paying for college myself I had to pick the cheapest university in Illinois. I really enjoyed my tour of Northern Illinois University. I could afford the price if I took out loans and applied for grants. Originally, I was a double major with journalism and photography. Then I decided to drop my photography major because drawing was the precursor for photography. I took history of photography, photojournalism, and studio photography classes at College of DuPage. I did not understand why I needed to start over again. Not to mention, I can't draw. That's the one artistic thing I cannot do. I can sing, play the flute and drums, design clothes or graphics, take photos, paint, and write. Because I was a theater kid in high school I can also build sets. But draw? Absolutely, not. I was also told by my counselor that I should have another major other than journalism just in case. I'm glad I listened to her because she was right. Every job I have had was because of my communications skills or my English knowledge. Never because of my journalism degree. The classes I loved the most in college were literature historical periods. I loved learning about medieval history in my Chaucer class. I almost became a history minor. I took Arthurian Literature, History of the English Language, Victorian Literature, The Romantic Novel, and American Literature. This should have been a sign of what my real career should have been.
I graduated Northern Illinois University in 2014. I knew that the chances of me getting a job in the Midwest were slim. It did not help, that there are no publisher or magazines. Just newspapers and offices. I did not want an office job because I wanted to be able to remain being myself. I would not be able to dye my hair or have piercings. But, I also knew working for a newspaper was hard work with little pay. As the months went by, I started to panic because I did not have any official internships. My "internships" were volunteer gigs for metal webzines on the internet or I would be helping my friends with their blog. It was still experience and that is why I always include it. I learned a lot of about time management, how to drown out sounds when you're doing an interview and that many musicians are just as nervous wrecks as I am.
I decided to make my own business. My freelance copyediting business helped me pay the bills. But, I still was not happy or satisfied. I wanted to do more, but what? Most of my clients were kids or college students. In reality I was a tutor, not a copyeditor. I taught my clients how to write properly. I enjoyed teaching kids the most. Kids are tough. They can take criticism better than most adults. Most adults are not good writers and they get very offended if you suggest they should change a sentence or paragraph. Another sign that perhaps being a copyeditor and copywriter was not for me anymore. Bills must be paid though, so I continued.
One day in the summer of 2017 Ryan and I did shrooms. I was severely depressed and suicidal yet again. I would microdose in order to function. That's how bad my depression was. I started to learn about shamanism. Thus, I started to learn how to use shrooms to heal my trauma. I was over my current career. I was losing the spark and the passion. Taking photos at shows started to become a chore. I didn't have any energy to write. I was a cranky and miserable person. I don't understand how people put up with me. Maybe it was the pre-30 freak out, but I felt so lost. I did not know what I was doing with my life. I was sick of wondering this world aimlessly. I needed direction. I needed stability. I needed therapy and medication.
One Saturday evening, I asked the shrooms what I should do with my life. What is my purpose. I saw an old memory of me as a teenager. My favorite librarian, Debbie suggested that I should become a librarian. I am a voracious reader. I have been participating in library programs since I was a toddler. I know the library inside and out. I remember laughing at Debbie because I had delusions of grandeur. I wanted to travel. I wanted to experience cultures. I did not want to be a librarian for a suburban town. What I did not know, is that librarians can also be data analysts or archivists. I felt like such an idiot for not connecting the dots earlier. Please note I only use psychedelics for shaman purposes.
The shrooms showed my memories from my childhood to adulthood. I am six-years-old dragging a red wagon to the library with me so I can fill it up with books. Yes, just like in the movie Matilda, There I am smiling with prizes that I won from the children's and teenager reading program. I remember kids calling me a teacher's pet because I was reading Dante's Inferno in sixth grade. The next memory was of me giving a speech in middle school on the importance of literacy. Followed by hating being stuck in homeroom in high school because all my classmates would gossip instead of doing their homework. So, I asked my homeroom teacher if I could organize books in the library instead. Having the librarians in my hometown become aware of my abuse at home and creating a reading nook filled with fantasy, science-fiction, comics, and manga just for me made me want to return the favor. Ordering books that they knew I would devour just so I could escape the chaos that was going on at home.
I paid attention to those visions. I love book and reading that I started my own library when I was 12. By the time I was planning the move to New York City I owned over 500+ books. Many did not fit in the boxes, so I had to pick my favorites to keep. The rest went to my little sister or I sold them. I knew that the apartments in NYC weren't as big as the ones in Chicago so I had to get rid of 50 percent of our furniture, clothes, and books. Even my deities roasted me for not knowing my purpose when it's been obvious. Obviously, I bought more books or I found more. Brooklyn is a wonderful place because everywhere I go people are leaving items on stoops or boxes on the curb for others to take. I found a tall mirror in the lobby of my apartment building today. Jackpot! Since Garm broke our last mirror being a clingy baby.
I am an archivist. I love history. I love preserving things. My Mom taught me how to preserve plants that I liked in books. She showed me to appreciate and save records. I still write in cursive. I miss doing film photography because it's always been soothing to me. Film photography is literal magic. You put a film cannister in a black bag if you're in a brightly lit area or you drop the cannister in the container(if you're already in the dark room), pour flammable chemicals in the container. You wait 30 minutes for the film to develop. Then you look at your film and you choose which ones you want to print using the light and a projector onto the photo paper. Then you put the photo paper into the developer, then you wash it, then the preserver and finally you rinse the photograph again. My favorite was listening to death metal or black metal and seeing the images appear. I find the process of making yarn fascinating. But I hate sewing. I've seen how looms and old publishing machines worked. My hobby as a kid was calligraphy. I know how to cook, bake, and garden. I can shoot a gun and a bow. I can throw axes. Just call me pioneer woman. Even my Paganism is all based on my ancestors and reconstructing their past. Museums and libraries are my favorite places in the world to spend time in. I learned Spanish, Swedish, and Irish so I can understand my ancestors and their cultures better.
I am a logical person. I can't handle intense emotions. Crying people scare the crap out of me. I am all about empirical data. My adhd causes me to want to learn how everything in universe works. Like my Dad, I love taking things apart. I love technology and if I didn't royally suck at math I would have loved to become an IT programmer, an engineer, or scientist. But alas, number make no sense to me. Words and information does. This exactly why I was meant to be a librarian. More importantly, I can actually help my community by teaching kids and teenagers my love of reading. I want to be like Debbie the Librarian. I want to be the one who will provide a safe place like it was done for me. It's the least I can do because the library shaped me into the person that I am.
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