Life is definitely stranger than fiction. Because as soon as I posted my previous blog, I Am NOT A LIABILITY: My Health Issues do not Define me I received a call and an offer from the Brooklyn Public Library to work as their Young Adult Librarian Trainee. Becoming a librarian was the whole reason why I moved to NYC. I'm ecstatic. It is a full time position.
Do not worry, I will continue with my blog posts. I will still be an editor but, only for creative writing for my friends. I'm over being a tool for materialism just so I can keep a roof over my head.
With that out of the way, I decided to write about something that is more light hearted and not serious. Afterall, everyone is allowed to have opinions on music.
I'm wearing my Rippikoulu shirt today. I start work January 29. I can wear band shirts until then and on the weekends. During the week, I am a corporate goth. I have changed so much since I was a teenager. I don't think teenager me would even believe that I now love death doom and funeral doom. I cannot get enough of it. This is the story of a girl who had a very closed-minded taste in music. If people think I'm an elitist now, I was even more insufferable when I was 16-19. I don't understand why older people always say that as you age you will check out less and less new things. Or maybe it's because I'm neurodivergent. Let's be honest, I have never done what society expected from me.
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| This shirt is actually a short-sleeve. I'm just wearing a plain, black long sleeve underneath. |
When I was teenager I only cared about fast music. The faster the better. It's why I love death metal and grindcore. But, fast doesn't necessarily mean better. This is something my undeveloped brain could not grasp yet. I hated slow music. I thought that the faster a band played the more intense it was. Many of my friends tried to persuade me that slow metal can be good. I wasn't listening. I was a stubborn idiot.
Perhaps, I was too depressed to like doom metal back then. As a teenager, I could barely handle my emotions let alone my depression. I've written numerous entries about my depression since I started my blog. It's not a surprise to anybody. Except my parents. Even my Dad, who was more supportive, did not understand why I was suicidal. Then again, I'm sure if my parent were as vocal about their needs as I am they'd be hit and told to suck it up. I understand now why my parents thought clinical depression and adhd were made up. Music and writing has always been my outlet to understand myself. I used my stubbornness as a way to cope with my reality. Denial was my medicine.
My Mom has always loved toxic positivity even though she's never been positive at all. Coincidence? I think not. My Mom would tell me to think happy thoughts all the time. To be grateful because God gave me another day to live. Sadly, my sister has been brainwashed by this thinking. My Mom has convinced her that if my sister can control her environment and everyone in her life then she won't have anxiety or autism. That is not a good way to live. To project all your fears and insecurities on others instead of taking responsibility.
I listened to fast music because I would rather feel anger than nothing at all. That's what clinical depression does to a person. It causes them to live in denial and believe that life would be better without them. Even worse, it's numbing. If you do not ask for help you will become a hallow shell of yourself. Feeling negative emotions is better than not feeling anything at all. I thought I would be a loser if I gave in to the sadness. Instead of letting doom metal cradle me so I could mourn properly. Mourn that I never had a childhood because at the age of 10 I was already protecting my siblings from my mentally unstable Mother. Or I was being my Mom's parent. After a manic episode, my Mother would sleep for hours. Sometimes days. I would be the prime caretaker. Because my Da was always working. I needed to mourn that I would never be neurotypical. Furthermore, I needed to mourn that I did not think I was worthy to live. So why would other people respect me, if I did not respect myself. I know now there is no way I was mentally stable or healed enough to listen to lyrics describing exactly how I felt. Because then I would have no choice, but to accept the truth. My brain is chemically unbalanced. I had no one to talk to about my abuse because my Mother gaslit me into thinking that Child Services would take me away and give me to a worse family.
It could also be that I have always had the old school hardcore ethic that suffering builds character. A toxic notion. I know. My logical brain could not handle or understand why my amazing and loving Mother turned into a monster. It was easier to think I made my Mom Mad. I deserved this. It made me stronger. When in reality, no child or teenager deserves to be abused and manipulated. I would never wish this experience on my worst enemy. Then again, I do not have enemies anymore. I've grown up. I realise that I do not owe anybody anything. Likewise, no one owes me anything. I used to be obsessed with making people become accountable. I could not understand how a person could be okay with lying or manipulating another human being. I now understand that you cannot force people to admit things. You cannot force a person to change. Now, if my intuition or someone's actions do not match up, I will no longer make myself available to that person. I'm just glad my Mom finally understood and we have a relationship again. It's never too late to start over.
Even worse, I wrote off a whole subgenre of music because I hate stoner doom and dislike sludge. Maybe, it's because my Da and I love Black Sabbath that I do not find stoner doom pleasurable. Why make a bunch of modern rip-offs that talk about weed? When I could just listen to "Sweet Leaf" or "Fairies Wear Boots." I have learned from the error of my ways and have tried to listen to many stoner doom bands. Ryan's brother, Emmett, loves stoner doom. When we learned he listened to metal we started gifting him CDs, shirts/hoodies, and vinyl records. Emmett is now the owner of Conan, Electric Wizard, High On Fire, Sleep, and YOB. I've listened to these records with him and I still don't understand it. Now my issue with stoner doom is that it all sounds the same. I do not feel any passion or heart. It's just blah to me. Then again, people say the same about grindcore.
One would think I would enjoy sludge metal because it's just doom and hardcore combined. But I don't. I'm extremely picky with sludge. You know how a lot of people who do not listen to metal say, "It's just noise." That's how I feel. I like experimental music. I like avant-garde music, so someone please explain why I hate the tempo changes in sludge. From slow to very fast. I like psychedelic rock, I like blues, I love hardcore. I just read that sludge has industrial elements. Now I understand why I don't like sludge. Because industrial is another genre of music I do not like. I love post-punk. I love goth rock. But mechanical or noisy sounds make my brain go caput. Because my brain already sounds like that. Industrial music overstimulates my brain. The same goes for harsh noise. That is literally what my brain sounds like without medication. I take medication so I do not have to hear that. All I want is for that noise to go away. I've seen Black Tusk, Crowbar, Eyehategod, Melvins, and Neurosis several times to give them a chance. I'd rather watch paint dry. No amount of alcohol or weed will change my opinion. It is boring. I hate it. It also did not help that my oldest best friend, Jordan Cramer would play Acid Bath on repeat for a whole summer. By the end of the summer I had to control myself so I didn't end up breaking his CDs or murdering him. Hahaha. I love you, Jordan, but that was literal torture!!
In 2011, Ryan and I started dating. He's the biggest reason why I realised I actually do love doom. He would always roast me. Ryan would say things like, "You say you don't like doom metal, but Amorphis and Katatonia are two of your favorite bands." "You know Asphyx, Autopsy, and Incantation have doom in them," Ryan would tell me. Fair point, my love. I have listened to and loved Swallow the Sun since I was in high school. The same goes for Draconian. Ryan used these bands as a starting point and showed me other bands he knew I would enjoy. Now I love Disembowelment, Paradise Lost, Primitive Man, Rapture, and Saturnus. Eventually, I started doing own research. I went down the death doom rabbit hole. That's how I found Evoken, Hooded Menace, Novembers Doom, Rippikoulu, Runemagick, Unholy, and Winter.
Discovering that I really enjoyed death doom led to funeral doom. One of the heaviest types of metal in existence in my opinion. I love brutal death metal. But funeral doom has it's own weight and dirge that keep dragging a person deeper into the void. I became obsessed with Rapture. So of course, I had to see what other bands the members are in. That's how I found Shape of Despair. I absolutely adore Shape Of Despair. I learned that Pasi Koskinen was their old vocalist after he left Amorphis. To this day I will never understand why people don't like the Pasi era of Amorphis. "Far From the Sun" is the only Pasi album I don't like. And it's not even his fault. The lyrics and the music just suck. I love "Elegy." I also love Pasi's other band, Ajattara. Ajattara and Thy Serpent are black metal. Next, I found Thergothon and Skepticism. Lastly, I discovered Ahab and Mournful Congregation.
But Ryan was not done with me. I discovered sludge isn't completely terrible. Ryan showed me Baroness. I fell in love. The Purple album is still my favorite. John Baizley's art is beautiful. I would gladly tattoo any of the Baroness albums on my body. That is how much I love the artwork and music. I found Agrimonia on my own. Another sludge band I adore.
I will bury your bones inside my garden
Underneath your eyes can't burn through me anymore
I will throw
a golden anchor in the harbor
Tie you by your chain to the ghost on the ocean floor
And as my lungs deflate
You help me
suffocate
We have no
need to breathe
You tried to disappear
So long
I followed
you
Along the eastern banks I ran
'Til no more
could I stride
No wing nor
cloven hoof
Would let me
stay rolling tide
Across the coastal banks she runs
And gallops
towards the sea
But I cannot
outrun the beast
That bears my
sanity
And as my lungs deflate
You help me
suffocate
We have no
need to breathe
You tried to disappear
So long
I followed
you
The world is great and wide
But wherever
you go you know
I'm a step
behind
If your cross
needs a nail I'm sure we can sort it out
I'm just
around the bend
So long
I followed
you
When you try to run and hide
It warms my
little heart
So long
I followed you
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