I've never been to an Alcoholics Annoymous meeting, but I've seen all the seasons of Shameless multiple times. Lip's experience of AA meetings is similar to therapy. And what I do have: Is a bunch of experience in attending behavior and trauma therapy.
One would think because of all my years of being in therapy for my ADHD since I was 9 or my trauma would help me understand how I feel. But nope. I'm still as clueless as ever until weeks or months go by and I ask myself, "Why the f--k are you acting like this? Why are you being so moody and rude? Why are you pushing people away? Why are you so irritable that you don't want to go out or do anything? Why are you so drained?
THE ANSWER: BECAUSE I'M NEURODIVERGENT AND CHANGE IS SCARY. I AM JUST LIKE MY CATS AND DOG.
In one month, I will be starting grad school. I already recieved the bill for the Fall semester. I am in the process of paying for it. I already took out a loan for school. I have been applying for scholarships left and right. That's one of the reasons I don't go to metal and punk shows as much. Or buy merch. Or records or books. Or makeup. And that makes me cranky because it means no boost of seroitonin to my brain. I cannot afford to make implusive purchases like other ADHDers. I cannot afford to travel or run away as much as I would like to. Why do I want to run away? Because again, change is scary. Most of the time I embrace change. I love challenges. I love being tested. But that's because I usually know I will succeed. People who know me see me as my confident and outspoken self. What people do not know is that I overthink. I plan everything to a miniute detail. And even then I do not follow it, because I panic. My ADHD needs to be preplanned, but not enough that I will be feel like a prisoner. And that's what makes planning hard for me. I can write all these plans up. And then I still won't go along with it because I do not like admiting that I need help. The rebellious part of me says, "You don't need plans! Burn it all! Be wild and free!" And that's how I burn my own bridges to my own plans.
I am now taking a page from one of my favorite books, Dune and facing my fear.
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see it's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Normal people are afraid of being alone, dying, heights, snakes, spiders, etc. Not me. I am afraid of failure. Hence the title of my entry. I am a perfectionist. I was raised to do things right the first time. Or don't do them at all. This means I will have decision paralysis which then becomes hardcore procrastination. I learned at an early age that praise brought me acceptance and love. I recieved attention just from being intellgent. Attention that I never recieved from my Mother because she was too busy loosing her mind. My Da was always proud of me. I was a gifted child. In fourth grade, I had the reading level of a senior in high school. I never had to study. I automatically knew the answers. Unless it was math. Then good luck to you.
I know that I am no longer that little hurt kid. But I am afraid of falling prey to my bad habits. Or of being overwhelmed. I know that I get mad at myself for setting up urealistic goals or saying things like " I should be able to do x, y, and z. I am so stupid." That doesn't help anybody. Let alone myself.
I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am scared to start grad school. Because in my undergrad I had horrible study habits. I left essays until the day they were due because I needed the fear of failing to scare me into writing said essays.
I know what you're all thinking. So don't do that? It's easier said than done.
I did not do grad school after my undergrad because I did not feel like I was ready. I was not mature. I did not know what I wanted to study. I am ready now. But now I work full time. That is why I am a student part time. I changed careers. That is why at the age of thiry-five I am in grad school.
Why am I writing about this? Because I always feel better writing how I feel. But also because I feel that doubting oneself or having fear is normal. Every human has doubt. Every human thinks they're not good enough. Yet no one talks about it. So, that's what I am doing right now. I am addressing my fear and saying it's okay for me to feel like this. It's okay to feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough. That's just the perfectionist in me talking. I am just stressed about passing my 6 month probation at work. As well as, how expensive things are. I'm tired. I feel like I am working myself to death just to survive. And I love my job! Imagine people who don't like their jobs. The stress is only making my Celiac Disease worse. Which in turn limits what I can eat. And my food is already expensive as it is. It's a catch-22. I need to get into debt to get a higher degree and postion in life. But I need more money to buy what I need. I know I will be okay. I just want other people to know that they're not alone.
If you'll all excuse me I'm going to try to relax by listening to some funeral doom and taking care of myself.
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