This is what my brain sounds like without Adderall.
My first blog entry discussed what living with several diseases unmedicated is like. Here is the 1st blog entry to refresh your memory if need be. Now I am writing about the effects of being medicated for three years and not being able to receive the meds your brain desperately needs.
Originally, I was diagnosed by a child psychologist in fourth grade. At the time, my mother was an antivaxxer and did not trust doctors. I never understood this logic because my Mother has always been intelligent to me. My Ma went to college in Monterrey, Mexico. Her major and degree was in social work. My Mother used to know how to speak French and German. It is my belief that her mental illness dulled her senses. I'm not a psychologist. And I am not my Mother, so I can't really tell you what she was thinking. I will just assume that my sister's slow development and speech impediment made her look for other answers. My Mother thought she was helping us. Her concern or mistrust I understand. I just wish she would consider that perhaps her eldest daughter does have adhd and her youngest daughter is on the autism spectrum. Maybe my Mother did not want myself or my sister to grow up thinking that we couldn't do everything because of the way our brains function. Perhaps, that is why my Mother hid my diagnosis from me. Our parents do the best they can with the information they have. But in the end their emotions will decide.
I was a straight A student. I was on honor roll every semester in middle school and high school. My brain is like a sponge for the liberal arts. I also have dyscalculia. Dyscalculia is related to dyslexia. Instead of not understanding letters, my brain does not understand numbers. I have a learning disability with anything number based. Most children with adhd will have dyslexia or dyscalculia. This is why I was both in the gifted and special ed classes all throughout high school. In addition, as much as I love computers, interior design, or science I could not go into those fields because they're all math based. Now my readers, you understand why I have two Bachelor's degrees in English and journalism. I was made to be a writer and observer. Not to mention, this is why I can speak many languages. Words just make sense to me.
People with adhd have plenty of conviction, the problem is that we don't know how to apply it. We get task paralysis. That means we do not know where to start because we feel that every task is important. My Mother is a perfectionist. I clearly have the same genes. Because, if I can't do something perfect then, I won't even bother. It's a dumb idea I know. Especially since no one is perfect when they start. Another issue is that nagging me will only annoy me further. Nagging me will ensure I don't get a task done because that person was pushing me to do it. I need to choose to do it of my own accord. Lastly, many people with adhd/add are procrastinators because they feel like they have so much time left. That's not my case. I work better under pressure. In high school, I would write my ideas for an essay on a piece of paper. Leave it on my desk for days, until the paper was due. There I was, the night before or hours before typing pages and pages. Some psychologists believe that adhd is a survival instinct from our hunting and gathering days. Since we no longer have to worry about searching for food or worry about predators. Now our worries are paying outrageous rent. I agree with these psychologists because I cannot be motivated unless I trick my brain that the task I am doing is a matter of life or death. If we do not complete our to-do-list then we have another break down where we berate ourselves.
My Mother's solution to my adhd was enrolling me in time management classes. Those classes work. But it doesn't solve my brain chemistry. She also bought me calendars, post it notes, and planners. But they hardly worked. I'd use them for a month and then forget about them.
I did not get diagnosed with clinical depression, adhd, or celiac disease until I moved to Brooklyn when I was 30-years-old. I always suspected that I had severe depression and adhd. But without a doctor's diagnosis I could not receive medication. I've been a freelance worker since I graduated NIU. I love being my own boss. But, that also means that I have no health insurance. In Illinois, if you have no health insurance you won't be seen by a doctor or they will make you go to the ER. In NYC it's completely different. I researched doctors that I felt were trustworthy and called to inquire about new patients. I explained that I would be paying out of pocket. The doctor that I picked understood this. She's very sweet and kind. She's an old school New Yorker, so some may say she's rude. I like how blunt she is. When you're sick you need to know how to get better. You don't want someone to sugarcoat things.
Like all meds, there are side effects. I happen to be a person who always experiences side effects until my body is used to my medication. My Adderall at first made me nauseous. I could not drink coffee after I took my meds because it would make my heart race, but then I'd get sleepy. No one tells you how thirsty Adderall makes you. I went from never drinking water to being hydrated as a whale. Let's not forget how many rows of drinks we have. I always have two cups or containers on my computer desk. One has water and the other has tea or juice. Because again adhd people want to sample everything. We can make choices. But why bother when you can have both?! This is just my case, but when I first started taking Adderall it made me less hungry. I used to be a ravenous wolf. You know the scene where Conan the Barbarian is going to town on the chicken. That's me normally. My medication cut my appetite in half. My medication and working out at the gym is what made me lose weight.
The first time I heard all the noises in my brain shut down, it was odd to me. I was not used to it. Then as the days went on I learned to love having one thought after another. Instead of having a cluster of ideas or so many sounds in my head. These three years have been the most productive I have ever been. It's almost like a lightbulb went off in my head saying, "OOOH! Is this how neurotypicals feel?! No wonder they get so much stuff done."
After 30 years, life was finally wonderful. Even during the pandemic I had access to my meds. I never had any issues receiving my medications. These years were the clearest of my life. Then in January of 2022 I noticed that CVS didn't have any Adderall left. I waited for two months thinking it would get restocked. I was then told to switch to Capsule. I did. Then they told me the same thing. I called every pharmacy in Brooklyn and Queens. It was out of stock or they would not allow new patients to enter the system so their older patients could receive their meds. I tried not to panic, after all I've been undiagnosed most of my life. I could do this.
At first, it was fine. My medication was still in my body for the rest of January 2022. In February, I was given some emergency Adderall from Ryan's secondary partner. I used it when I really needed it.
March of 2022 Ryan was finally diagnosed with add. He'd let me take his meds. They were not blue but orange. I also hated the way they tasted. It was supposed to taste like oranges. But instead, I tasted metal shavings, citrus, and cardboard. These meds were to supplement the Adderall not being made. They also made me hyper instead of calm. Same dosage too. I also hated how I barely ate. The hunger suppression was too much.
April was fine because I was still taking Ryan's meds. He would share with me. May was when Ryan stopped taking his medication. He had insurance, but it didn't cover his add meds. It would cost $500 to buy his medication. We both were unmedicated again.
June and July I spiraled out of control since the withdrawal from Ryan's meds were worse. I felt like shit. I had no energy. I continued to push myself because the alternative was not being able to pay rent. Luckily, our rent was still the same amount. I began to sleep late again. I would wake up at noon or later because I couldn't turn my brain off. I was sick of waking up on the couch when I had a bed to sleep in. My tolerance for weed is low. I take edibles to force me to sleep. But if I took half it wasn't enough. And eating a whole edible made me sleep until noon. I noticed that I would disassociate for 30 minutes. When Ryan would talk to me he would have to repeat himself several times because I wasn't listening. It would take me an hour to complete one simple task. Eventually, I started to do personal hygiene later in the day. This way I could get my work done.
In August, I decided to make this blog. It would give me a purpose. This blog would give me an outlet to figure out how I felt. Without my medication, I don't know how I feel. My emotions match my brain. My emotions are all over the place. I adopted Garm in August. Raising a puppy ensures that you have a schedule. I made it through the rest of 2021 because of my dog. He kept me on my toes.
January through March I wrote in a planner and used it. But by March my coping skills were caput. I was burnt out. I had no more coping in me. I could not handle being around people. Everyone annoyed me. I would get overwhelmed quickly and I did not understand why. I was just a moody mess. I had to constantly apologize for being a bad friend and partner.
The only thing that saved me was planning for Metal Threat 2023. Some of my New York friends were coming to Metal Threat with me. Since Metal Threat is held in DuPage County where I grew up, I was in charge of our lodgings and plans. These plans kept me occupied for the rest of March. Especially since another person was added so we had to look for another Airbnb. I don't like sharing a bed other than with Ryan. I also don't like making my friends sleep on the floor if they paid their half. All of us should have a bed. Suites are too expensive.
April, I completely forgot about the leather planner. In fact, I haven't used the planner at all. I should probably throw it out. April I barely had any clients so it was easy to finish all their requests. I took my New York friends to Metal Threat. It was fun showing them around. They thought Lombard and Naperville looked like Long Island. I was in charge of trip so I had to be on top of everything.
May is when the shit storm began again. No longer being on my meds and coming back home wiped me out. I knew I had to edit photos from Metal Threat, but I was so tired. I was still taking my SSRI so I wasn't depressed. Arguing or battling with my brain is draining. I only had energy to focus on work and take care of my dog. Work pays the bills. Money lets me care for my pets. My blog no longer motivated me because I had no ideas on what to write about. Even worse, after months of not being on my meds all my bad habits multiplied. I would binge watch tv until 3am because I wanted to have control over what I did. Certain food that gave me pleasure became boring. It no longer brought me joy. Ryan and I were constantly stressed because of the recession.
In June, I finally started to edit my photos for Metal Threat. But sometimes I would go into the zone and Ryan would have to remind me to eat. I stopped being hydrated. I barely drank anything other than tea. I was wasting my money. Garm became a 1-year-old and we threw him a birthday party which I literally planned in a couple days because I need to be in a perpetual state of discomfort to get anything done.
Come July I was at my wit's end. I kept talking in loops to Ryan. Now simple tasks took two hours to complete because something always distracted me. Or if I was cleaning I would start somewhere and start playing with the things I found. Or I'd go to another room, thus not cleaning anything. I would open the fridge multiple times a day because I forgot what we had in the fridge. Or I did not want to eat what was in the fridge. That was yesterday's food. I had a horrible craving for junk food. I did not like the choices healthy Kathy made.
August came around again. Yet again, I was reminded that last year I started my blog to distract me from not having my Adderall. I STILL DON'T HAVE MY MEDICATION!! AND MANY PEOPLE I KNOW DO! WHAT THE F--K IS GOING ON?! At one point last month I broke down and sobbed. I told Ryan, "I can't do this anymore! I am sick of walking in circles in my own apartment and head. I am sick of you picking up my slack. Why would you want to marry such a wreck of a person." Nothing my therapist or Ryan told me calmed me down anymore.
In mid-August it was time to go back to my doctor and ask for more of my SSRI and Adderall. I begged her to find a place that had Adderall. She did. I did a happy dance when I got a text from the pharmacy saying they received my prescriptions. As soon as I could, I picked up my meds.
I do not know what's worse being unmedicated for a long time or being medicated for a couple years and losing your medication. I'm just glad to have my beautiful and chill brain back.
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